


Pandemonium

by LucieClark, MasquedAngel



Category: D.Gray-man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-30
Updated: 2016-08-30
Packaged: 2018-08-12 01:06:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7914433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucieClark/pseuds/LucieClark, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MasquedAngel/pseuds/MasquedAngel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>CRACKFIC Allen Walker just wants to relax after a mission to collect innocence. When he arrives upon his home… he's greeted by a totally insane Kanda. What happened while he was away? Join poor Allen and the rest of the D.Gray-man cast as we see yet another Black Order Science Division mishap. Rated T for paranoia.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pandemonium

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work my friend and I worked on together. We had so much fun writing it and I hope you have just as much fun reading it. Enjoy! :p

The day started off normal enough for Allen Walker. He had a simple mission to collect innocence in Germany. Almost no akuma had attacked him, which did surprise him a little. From the train ride, he was pretty tired, not to mention starving. All he wanted was to get some of Jerry's outstanding cooking and to get some sleep.

Little did he know, it would be a long time before he got what he wanted…

Allen was only five steps away from the front door when an over ecstatic Kanda leaped out at him and yelled, "Ally, you're back!"

He took two steps back, "Ally?" Okay this was not right at all. "Kanda are you okay?"

"Look at that giant piece of broccoli!" Kanda yelled as he pointed to the tree, completely ignoring Allen's question.

"Broccoli?" Allen asked, but Kanda had already run up the tree and started gnawing on the trunk. Odd he thought. Maybe he should go ask Komui if Kanda had somehow got in contact with any strange chemicals, or possibly hit his head…?

He still stared in bewilderment at Kanda. Moving closer, he got a better look at him. His hair was curled slightly and… was that makeup on his face? It indeed was. Bright red lipstick coated his lips and left marks on the bark of the "broccoli" before him. He had on bright pink blush and his eyelashes were unnaturally long. On his eyes was a smokey eye shadow, making the already feminine-looking samurai look even more girly. A hysterical laugh escaped his lips.

When his laughing fit was over, Allen's eyes bulged, he just couldn't actually believe the sight before him. Oooookay, he thought. He's hit his head or something for sure.

With that thought, he kept walking into the Black Order headquarters. First, though, Allen needed to find some food. Quickly, he walked through the halls until he reached the cafeteria to find it surprisingly… empty. Normally this place had at least a few finders, but of course Jerry was still in the kitchen.

"Hey, Jerry…"

"Yo, Ally! How are you?" Jerry asked, smiling flamboyantly at the young exorcist.

"I'm good… but I'm starved. I'll have…" he listed off tons of food and about twenty of his favorite—mitarashi dango.

For a few moments, Jerry stared at him blankly. "What do you think I am? The chef?"

Allen sweatdropped and stared at the not-so-chef chef. "Uh… what's going on? First Kanda, then you…"

"Come here, hon, I have something to give you!"

Jerry tackled him from over the counter, and Allen was too surprised to try and get away. Before he knew it, he was pinned down by the pink-haired adult and makeup was being applied to his face. He struggled to get away, but he couldn't stop Jerry. All he knew was that it felt weird to have tons of gunk on his face.

After a failed attempt at breaking free from his grasp, Jerry made a pouty face and said, "You made me smear it!"

Allen could feel a smear of lipstick down his chin, even his neck a little. "Jerry! Get off!" he whined, still struggling.

"I'm not done yet!"

Suddenly, the door slammed open and in came a very angry old man…

"Give me all your bamboo," yelled Bookman as he kicked the crazed chef off of Allen. Bamboo, now what has gotten into the Bookman.

"I don't have any bamboo!" Jerry yelled, "Who do you people think I am?!"

"Uhhhh," Allen said. He did not even know what to think anymore. Suddenly, Bookman went flying past him and straight into the kitchen. A few seconds later, the old panda came out carrying as much bamboo as he could hold. So there was bamboo in the kitchen, Allen thought as he watched the scene play out in front of him.

Maybe all he needed was some sleep. Quickly, Allen stood up from the floor, not wanting to be a victim of another makeup attack, and quickly ran out of the cafeteria.

Had there been something in the soup he had at the train station? The entire Order was acting NUTS! Sleep. Allen needed sleep… maybe this was a bizarre dream and he'd wake up shortly. Who knows, but it couldn't be real… could it?

Briskly, he made his way through the many twists and turns to find his room. With a sigh, he rounded the last corner, only to be surprised at what awaited him.

When he saw his room, he saw a very familiar—and unwelcomed—person standing before his door, bent down at an awkward angle. Immediately, Allen yelled, "Tyki?" He thought about activating his innocence, but Tyki hadn't even looked at him.

Allen crept closer hesitantly since the Noah didn't even seem to register his presence. As he got closer, he heard Tyki mumbling, "You're so pretty, I love you," over and over… at his doorknob. "What the hell is wrong with everybody?" Allen asked out loud.

At that, Tyki looked up. "Ally!" Instantly, the Noah ran to him and tackled him, much like Jerry had moments ago.

"Ahh," Allen said in surprise. "Innocence, activate!" he yelled, trying to get the Noah off of him. But the Noah wasn't threatening him…

As a matter of fact, he was playing with one of the buttons on his exorcist uniform.

"You're so pretty, I love you," mumbled Tyki.

"Huh?" Allen asked, managing to push the man off.

"Come back, button! I miss you!" Tyki then proceeded to chase after Allen.

"WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?" Allen yelled as he ran away from the Noah, who seemingly was in love with his button…

As he navigated the many passages of the Black Order HQ, he almost tripped on a broomstick.

"Come back, button!" Tyki yelled once more, making a grab at Allen… and falling through him and through the ground as well.

"Innocence, activate!" a familiar voice yelled from behind him.

As he turned around, he was whacked in the face with the broom by none other than the Section Chief Reever. "It's an akuma!" he yelled, proceeding to attack Allen. He easily dogged each swing of the broom trying not to hurt the scientist but still take the broom from his grasp. Finally Allen was able to take it away and immediately threw it over the railing.

"Hey!" the section chief yelled as he ran after his innocence weapon. Allen sighed. Couldn't he get a small break from this madness?

"Beansprout, you're back!" he heard Lavi from down the hall. Oh no, not another one.

"You're not crazy, too, are you?" Allen said once they met face-to-face.

"No, though you're the first sane person I've seen in a while," Lavi said. He seemed relieved to finally see Allen.

"Nice makeup," Lavi said, "but why is it only half done?"

"Ask Jerry and maybe he will give you one too?" Allen half joked, relieved to see that someone besides himself was still sane. "Anyways, what's going on here?"

"I don't know," Lavi admitted. "I was just walking down to ask Komui if he knew anything."

"Let's go, we need a solution to this fast." One thing, for sure, Allen did not want to meet another psychotic person. Both of them ran as fast as they could towards Komui's office only to find that empty. Next, they tried down in the science room where most the experiments were done.

From the lab, they could hear a commotion. Hesitantly, Allen pushed the door open, while listening to a loud creak. A funny smell came from inside…

"Lenalee?" Lavi asked when they saw who was causing the commotion.

"Go away! I have to get this just right…" she said, banging around with a hunk of metal.

"What are you doing?" Allen asked.

"I'm rebuilding Komlin! He's my baby!" Lenalee cried like her brother, Komui would have. She wore her brother's lab coat, glasses, and white beret.

"No!" Allen groaned. "Not you, too!"

"Lenalee… are you sure you're alright?" Lavi asked, sweatdropping.

"Get out of here!" she commanded, shoving them out the door of the laboratory. "I need a quiet place to work!"

"Lavi, what do we do?" Allen asked his friend with concern. "I saw Kanda climb up a freaking tree and call it broccoli. Something has to be done!"

At that, Lavi cracked up and couldn't stop laughing for a few minutes. Allen hit him on the head to get him to shut up. "Seriously, what do we do?"

His friend still wore an amused look on his face, but gave him an answer this time. "I guess we try and find a way to make everyone normal again?"

"But what caused it in the first place?" Allen exclaimed, getting a bit angry. Was it too much to ask for some nice food and sleep? He was exhausted from his mission.

"Definitely the Science Division, probably Komui," Lavi answered.

"We need to find him," Allen said before starting off down the hallway.

"Wait up, Allen!" Lavi said before running after him.

As they walked through the halls, Allen stopped dead in his tracks when he saw something he didn't expect. His master, General Cross, stood before him with a weird look on his face. He had tons of makeup on and his hair was super curly. "ALLY!" he yelled.

"Uh… M-ma-master?" he stuttered, leaning back with a frightened look on his face. In one second flat, Allen was lifted in the air and spun around by Cross.

"I love you, Ally!" Cross said sweetly before setting Allen back down on the ground.

"What the hell's gotten into you, Master?!" Allen shrieked, trying to jump backwards, but Cross's hands were wrapped around his waist.

Allen's eyes went wide when Cross planted a kiss on Allen's lips. Allen was so shocked, he froze. What the hell? He fought against his master, but he was much too strong to fight.

What was Lavi doing?! Why wasn't he stopping Cross?

Allen just about had a heart attack when Cross tried to use his tongue. He kept his lips firmly closed. He hated the taste of liquor and something he couldn't name. Kissing Cross was like kissing his father. It wasn't normal!

Allen didn't realize his knees went weak before he nearly collapsed. He'd had enough shock for just about any sane person to take...

That is when Cross broke the terribly awkward kiss.

"Ally, I love you!" Cross said before literally picking up Allen bridal style.

Allen flailed around to get out of his grasp. "LET ME GO!" He crashed to the ground, landing on his arm awkwardly. A shot of pain coursed through him before he acknowledged that he needed to run.

And that's when he realized Lavi was now insane.

"Awwww," Lavi said, "You two look so cuuuuute together."

"What?!" Allen questioned, but took off immediately. Lavi was crazy enough on his own, but now he didn't think he could handle Lavi like this. Finally, Allen saw the one person he had been looking for this whole time. "Komui! What is wrong with everyone?!"

The scientist was muttering something under his breath, and as he got closer Allen could finally hear what he was saying, "Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return." Allen became even more confused upon hearing those words. If that was not enough Komui continued, "To obtain something of equal value must be lost. That's alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange."

"What are you saying?" Allen hoped that this was nothing more than the normal Komui.

"I'm trying to figure out how to create a philosopher stone!" The scientist made absolutely no sense to the teen.

"What?" This was too much to handle. "Why is everyone insane?!" Allen shouted in anger.

He ran away from the insane scientist, wishing his mission had taken him longer…

And what he saw next made him almost faint.

Miranda was strolling around the halls wearing a mini skirt and tank top. "Oh, hey, Allen!" she shouted and gave a wink. "You're looking fantastic today!" she squealed. "I love the makeup!"

"Miranda?" he asked, completely shell-shocked.

"The one and only! Don't I look simply fabulous? I put this outfit together myself!"

"What happened to you?" Allen asked, feeling dizzy. What happened to the entire Black Order?

"Oh, I don't know, but today's fantastic, isn't it?! Why don't you come have fun with me?!" Miranda chirped, grabbing his wrist and dragging him along. "Krory!" she shouted. "Come out come out wherever you are!"

"Er… Miranda!" Allen yelled as he tripped over his own feet.

"God, you're so clumsy, Allen! Hurry up!" Allen didn't like this Miranda. She was pushy and not her usual self.

"Let me go!" he yelled.

"No! Help me find Krory! We need to find him!" she whined while tightening her grip on his wrist. She gave him the most pissed off look he'd ever seen on her before she smiled a wide and fake smile. "Let's go!"

"No! I'm sick of people doing weird things to me!" Allen cried, trying to break free without hitting her. He didn't want to harm anyone, much less Miranda.

Then she did something Allen never would have expected. She let go of him, but she slapped him. "You jerk!" she yelled before storming off in some random direction.

With a sigh, Allen realized that the safest place was probably his room. Would whatever that caused their weirdness wear off soon? There really was nothing Allen could do about it.

He tried to sprint as fast as he could to his room but on the way there his started feeling a little foggy. Then he stopped and looked down the hallway confused. Where was he going again? Never mind, he was a famous popstar why did he have to be going anywhere? He could go where ever he wanted.

Allen grabbed Timcanpy, who just happened to be flying by at the time, and started using the poor golem as his microphone. Singing the first song that came to mind, he danced his way down the hallway until he met back up with Lavi and Cross.

Cross and Lavi were standing the middle of the hallway in each other's arms. Allen had got there just in time to see their lips touch in a heartwarming kiss.

"Awwwwww," Allen said. "You two are sooooo cute!"

At that moment, the front door opened and Kanda walked in with his mind a little clearer. Unfortunately, he came in just when Cross went down on one knee and held Lavi's hands in his.

"Lavi, will you marry me?" he asked and Kanda nearly hurled from what he was seeing.

"Yes, of course I will," Lavi sounded even crazier than the normal everyday Lavi, that everyone was used to.

"Awwwwww, so cute!" Allen clapped his hands together. "I wanna sing for you at your wedding! Kanda, you should join me."

"Che," Kanda went back outside. As if he would ever sing, much less with that beansprout at a wedding for the gay couple.

"Wait, come back, Yuu!" Allen cried, running to catch up with him.

At that, Kanda's hand instinctively flew to his sheathe where Mugen should be… but wasn't. "What the hell did you just call me, beansprout?" he asked intimidatingly.

"Yuu-chan! Come and sing with me!" Allen whined, running to him and jumping on him. Kanda, the unsuspecting victim, was surprised at the beansprout's actions.

"Get off me!" Kanda growled as he shoved off Allen.

Allen just pouted and grabbed Kanda's arm. "But aren't they cute?" he shrieked, directing his glance at his master and best friend.

"No, and get the hell off of me!" the samurai snapped.

"Hey! Look at Yuu, Marian! Isn't he handsome, too?" Lavi asked, completely entwined with Cross. His normal head band now laid on the floor below him, and Lavi's hair was messy likely due to the general's hands. Cross' hat was on the ground, too.

"What the hell, stupid rabbit?" Kanda snarled.

"You're right," Cross agreed, stepping away from Lavi.

And that's when Kanda was surrounded and outnumbered by two very confused men. Allen just stood in the background singing some random song with Timcanpy at his mouth.

The two homosexuals cornered him and Kanda didn't know how to react. When Cross pushed him up against the wall, he delivered a punch to the general, but he hardly flinched. "Oi, get the hell away from me!" he yelled, trying to fight them off. They both were decently strong, and Kanda was feeling very tired from his expedition outside eating… he stopped there. He refused to believe he thought a tree was a giant piece of broccoli, much less that he tried to eat it.

When Lavi ran his hands through Kanda's hair, the very angry samurai punched him in the face. He dodged the general's grip by going below his arms. If they were going after him, he wasn't going to stay in this place. He needed to find out where the hell he left Mugen…

So instead of fighting like he normally would, he ran off down a hallway in hopes that Mugen was in his room.

Allen was dancing around with Timcanpy as his microphone, still. "Marian, Lavi, come sing with me!" he cheered, grabbing each of their hands and spinning in a circle. Together they sang Ring Around the Rosies.

On his way to find Mugen Kanda ran into a panda… or at least what he thought was a panda. Looking closer he realized it was Bookman wearing a Panda suit chewing on bamboo. His face was covered with odd colors of makeup… Kanda did not even want to think about it.

"Keep away from my bamboo!" the old man yelled at Kanda. After eating the tree, Kanda was not interested in trying to eat bamboo.

Kanda ignored him and ran on to find Mugen. As he ran down one of the halls, Kanda passed by a mirror and just glanced at his reflection. Wait… he looked again. WHY THE HELL WAS HE WEARING MAKEUP AND WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS HAIR?! Quickly Kanda went to the nearest bathroom and tried to wash it off but with no success. At least he could fix his hair, he thought, finding his backup hair ribbon and tying up his hair as best as he could. He used his fingers to comb through the goddamned curls Jerry had put in…

Now Kanda needed to go and find a way to fix this problem going on around him. He ran back down to the science lab to see if there was any potion that could fix whatever was going on. Unfortunately, he was met by a giant robot that he thought should be in the trash.

"Get out!" a girl yelled. It took Kanda a moment to recognize that it was Lenalee. She was wearing Komui's glasses, lab coat, and beret.

"Target confirmed: Kanda Yuu, exorcist, in need of proper bathing," the robot said, locking its gaze on Kanda.

"Shit," Kanda said, still instinctively reaching for his empty sheath.

With no other option, he had to run… he felt so terribly stupid running around without Mugen, but what else could he do? It's not like he could actually stand his ground without his innocence. He realized just how human he actually was without his weapon. Needless to say, he hated the feeling.

So without other options, he swallowed his pride and ran for his life. Now he knew how Allen felt that day when he refused to help him with one of those damned robots made by Komui. Looking back on it now, he supposed this could be karma. Whatever the case, it still didn't help him. He kept running until he ran smack into someone…

He stepped back in surprise. The person Kanda ran into was that Noah known as Tyki Mikk… What the hell was he doing here?

"So… pretty. I love you!" he confessed, but not at Kanda. He was confessing to the giant robot behind him.

Kanda didn't have much time to register that the damned Noah just fell in love with a robot, he still had to run to save himself. He kept running until he ran towards the cafeteria of the Black Order.

"Where could Tyki-sama have gone—Lero?" the umbrella said.

"I don't know, Lero, but we'll have to find out, now won't we?" Kanda realized that there was another Noah in the building. He didn't have time to fight this Noah, nor could he without his innocence. The robot came crashing into the cafeteria at that moment with Tyki right behind.

"Come back robot, I love youuu!" Tyki yelled.

"What's going on?" the new Noah asked and Kanda looked over to find out it was Road. He said nothing to the Noah, but looked away hoping she wouldn't notice his god awful makeover.

"Tyki, what has gotten into you?" Road asked.

"I love you! I love you! I love you!" Tyki told the robot.

"I guess I have to destroy this machine now," Road said as millions of candles surrounded the annoying robot. Immediately, all the candles drilled themselves into the metal skin, destroying the robot much to Kanda's relief.

"So… pretty. I love you!" Tyki said and ran towards Lero, much to the umbrella's surprise. Lero tried to float himself away, but Road had a tight hold on his handle. She still kept him out of the reach of Tyki.

"Tyki! What on earth has gotten into you? You know I like to play with Lero!" Road whined. "Oh, look… we have an exorcist— why do you look so awful?" she laughed.

"Tch," Kanda said, seeing no need to justify himself to the Noah.

"ROOOOOAD!" a familiar voice said in sing-song. Seconds after, a fast moving white figure tackled the female Noah to the ground. Next to him, a wine bottle rolled around in aimless circles.

"All-" she exclaimed before Allen's lips met hers.

Instantly, Road remembered when the roles were reversed in the ark a while ago. The taste of fancy wine was from Allen's lips. She had no idea why. Road loved the kiss with Allen until Lero ran straight into her. "Road-sama! Stop kissing that exorcist~Lero!"

"I love you!" Tyki yelled, chasing the flying umbrella around.

"What's going on here, Allen?" Road asked cheerfully, making no attempt to move from their position on the floor.

"Zime za supa starr!" Allen shouted.

"Stupid Beansprout…" Kanda muttered under his breath, staring at the sight the group created.

"Er… Allen, what's gotten into you?" Road asked.

"Tch, science experiment," Kanda answered for him.

"Science experiment, you say? Hmm…" the female Noah asked, standing up from Allen.

"Za lord millenniiiium zis zin search of zoo, rooking pour za heart now, have zoo 'eard za newz. Maybe zoo stole it from 'im, Zi'll see zif zitz truuuue," Allen sang drunkenly, stumbling around in what might have been his drunken version of dancing.

"Why are you singing that?" Road asked with a surprised look on her face. Had she sang that song around Allen recently? She couldn't recall how he knew it.

"Becuzz I lik it," came the reply.

"Huh? Where'd Tyki go?" Road asked, realizing she was so distracted by Allen's actions that she hadn't noticed where Tyki took Lero.

With a sigh, she decided that would be her first priority. "Allen, I'll be back soon!" she called out as she followed the way she thought Tyki would have gone.

As she walked around, she came across someone muttering, "Water thirty five liters, carbon twenty kilograms, ammonia four liters, lime one and a half kilograms, phosphorus eight hundred grams, salt two hundred fifty grams, saltpeter one hundred grams, sulphur eighty grams, fluorine seven and a half grams, iron five grams, silicon three grams, and trace amounts of other elements…"

"Huh? Jeez, I wonder what this experiment does to you…" Road mused as she passed by the crazed Black Order scientist.

"I WILL CALCULATE IT!" he yelled to nothing.

"Huh…" Road looked closer at the scientist. "He has the same face-paint as that one exorcist."

"Would you like a makeover?" Road turned towards the man who said it to only be tackled some person in a chef's uniform. "Stay still and I will make you pretty!" Road was so surprised, she couldn't react. On top of all of that, she couldn't think straight at all.

"Road, save me from Tyki~ Lero!" The umbrella pushed Jerry off Road, but not before she got a full makeover.

Road sat up and smiled "DIE AKUMA!" She grabbed Lero and started attacking the railing. Lero tried yelling at the Noah, but he could not get a word in through all the beating he was getting. At that moment, another scientist ran by, only this one was waving a sword.

"Akuma!" he said as he went and attacked Road. Road turned around and swiftly unarmed the scientist with one strike. She picked up the sword and started to swing it around along with the poor umbrella. "Die, all you akuma! I shall defeat you ALL!" she yelled as she ran down the hallway.

"ROAD-SAMA! What are you doing~ Lero?"

Poor Lero was being thrown around by Road, who began attacking pretty much everything in her path. She called them all akuma and struck them down with both Lero and the sword she picked up.

When that exorcist from before appeared, he glared at the Noah. "Damn you… give me back my sword!" he yelled before running to her.

"NOAH!" Road yelled before attacking the exorcist. "Innocence, activate!"

"Road-sama! You are not an exorcist! Stop acting like one~ Lero!" her "innocence" said to her. He tried to break free from her grasp, but she kept a firm grip on both the umbrella and her newly found sword.

The "Noah" jumped at her and she hit him with Lero, but he managed to knock her over. The katana slipped from her grasp, and before Road knew it, the sword was back into the hands of its rightful owner.

"No! HELP! THE NOAH STOLE MY INNOCENCE!" Road roared at Kanda before attacking him again with Lero.

"What the hell? You're the Noah!" Kanda yelled back at Road, fury in his eyes.

He had enough bottled up anger to blow up an entire continent, and the perfect person to take it out on just came up.

"Innocence, activate!" Kanda barked. "Hells Insects: First Illusion!"

He sliced towards Road, and she dodged his attacks easily, without gaining even a single scratch. She summoned candles towards the "Noah." He easily dodged them, but she also unleashed an attack with Lero almost simultaneously. Kanda fell backwards and landed on his back with a thud. Mugen skittered out of his hands and went right back to Road's. "Yay! I got my innocence back!" she cheered.

Her victory was short lived, though, because she hadn't expected that Kanda would roundhouse kick and knock her over. The katana clattered out of her hands and was back with Kanda once more.

"I am the exorcist Road! You will not defeat me, NOAH!" she yelled before fighting him up close. With one lucky hit, Kanda lost consciousness. Road snatched the samurai's sword and happily skipped down the hallway, back towards the cafeteria.

Most people by now had gathered in the cafeteria and a few had even snapped out of their weird daze. Lenalee found herself sitting on top of a smashed up robot. She was wearing her brother's jacket and hat. She could faintly remember rebuilding the very robot that she was sitting on now.

"Die akuma!" Lenalee heard the voice of Road a few seconds before the Noah jumped in sight. She was prepared to activate her innocence when something seemed off about Road. Then she realized that even the Noah was under the influence of whatever lab experiment went wrong. Quickly, she wrestled Mugen from Road's hand and ran off to see where Kanda was.

"Give me back my innocence!" Road complained. Lenalee was still scanning the ground below her, but despite all the people in the room, she could not find Kanda. It was not very surprising that he was not there. The room was chaotic with people attacking each other, yelling "akuma", and other odd displays that she would rather not describe. Even Allen was lying unconscious on the ground. Lenalee quickly ran down one of the halls to try and find the missing samurai. Not that far down, he was also unconscious, just like their friend, Allen.

"Kanda," she said gently. Lenalee gave him a few shakes on the shoulder. Kanda groaned and opened his eyes.

Suddenly he sat up and barked, "Where is that Noah? She has Mugen!"

Lenalee handed Kanda his sword. "She's back in the cafeteria." Kanda was about to run towards the cafeteria when Cross and Lavi went skipping right by them singing London Bridge. At that moment, the samurai seemed to change his mind and walked away from the odd pair.

But then he thought about that damned Noah girl who actually knocked him out with just an umbrella! It was a huge blow to his ego to think he could be taken out by a girl with an umbrella, Noah or not.

So he stormed off towards the cafeteria. "NOAH! WHERE ARE Y~" Kanda cut off as he tripped over Allen's limp body. "Dammit, beansprout," he grumbled.

"Looking for me?" a sweet, taunting voice asked. "You stole my innocence!"

"It's mine, dammit!" Kanda yelled and fought against her furiously. She received blow after blow from the enraged samurai.

Out of nowhere, the beansprout stood up and defended her. "Leaver lone!" he yelled. "Shez mah girlfriend."

"What the hell? Snap out of it already, beansprout!" Kanda shouted in annoyance. With a swift smack to the head, he was down for the count again.

"Allen!" Road cried, reaching for her "boyfriend."

Kanda used that as a chance to deliver what would have been a deadly blow to the Noah's abdomen. His opponent crumbled to the ground, totally knocked out from her ordeal.

Without another thought, he sheathed Mugen and sat down. The crowd in the cafeteria was in pandemonium. Half of the scientists thought they were Noah, the other half roughly thought they were exorcists. General Cross and Lavi were still gay as hell… they kept giving each other sloppy kisses and heavy make outs in front of the entire order. Lenalee was now hitting Komui upside the head for something he did. Miranda was dancing around the order wearing a skimpy outfit and bossing everyone around. The old Bookman was sauntering around in a panda suit…

The scene would have been pretty damn entertaining if Kanda didn't know he had the permanent makeup on his face, as did the entire Black Order.

One of the few people back to normal was Jerry, who began cooking up meals for those who were conscious for them.

Slowly, everyone went back to normal. After Lavi and Cross passed out together on a table, Lenalee thought it was priceless to see how the two acted when they woke up.

Lavi went wide eyed when he woke up laying over Cross. His mouth was touching the older man's neck. Instantly, Lavi jumped up and freaked out. "HOLY CRAP!"

With that, Cross woke up, too, and shoved the young exorcist off of him. "I only date women!"

"Me too!" Lavi yelled, quickly getting away from the general.

Komui finally snapped out of his weird daze about alchemy. He tried to stifle laughter at many of the people in the Order as they realized the stupid things they did while they were under the influence of their failed lab experiment.

Miranda took one look at her clothes and made a mad dash for her room.

When the Noahs Tyki Mikk and Road Kamelot woke up, they just shared a look and left immediately.

The only person left passed out was Allen. When Lenalee wandered over, she realized he looked really pale. "Guys, I need help!" she shouted. "I think Allen's sick!"

Her brother and a few of the scientists hefted him up and set him on a table. He lay limp and unmoving. Cross was the one to come over. "Ah, dammit stupid apprentice. You drank all the good stuff…"

"Is Allen going to be okay?" Lavi asked, staring at him.

"He drank the entire stock of wine!" Cross complained. "Stupid apprentice."

A few minutes later, Allen woke up with the worst headache in the entire world. "Ggggh," he moaned when he awoke. "My head…"

"Welcome back to the living!" Lavi said with a smirk. "What do you remember?"

"The entire Black Order was a freaking nightmare! Was I drinking? Did I really kiss Road? Um… did you really fall in love with Master? Did Kanda really think a tree was broccoli?" he asked in one breath.

"Yes to all of it," Lavi said.

"KOMUI!" a very angry samurai yelled.

The scientist cowered in front of the wrath of Kanda. "It wasn't my fault, I swear!" he cried, hiding behind Lenalee.

"Brother…" Lenalee warned. Even she was at her boiling point. "What happened?!"

"Well… there was an accident with a mist we were working on to make everybody relax more!"

"Damn you, Komui!" Kanda growled, throwing a hard punch to his face.

"Keep the noise down…" Allen mumbled, holding his cursed had to his head. A wave of nausea hit him out of nowhere, and he threw up all over Komui.

"Ew!" Komui cried.

Even Kanda cracked a small smile (more like a smirk) at how perfect karma could be sometimes…

"Hey, everyone!" Lavi yelled.

"SHUT UP, Lavi!" Allen barked irritably, still feeling like his head was going to explode. No more alcohol for him. Ever.

"What?" most people in the crowd shouted.

"Why don't we agree that none of this EVER happened?" Lavi shouted, totally ignoring Allen's comment.

Murmurs of agreement passed through all the members of the Black Order before everyone grabbed something to eat and went to bed.

…

"Where were you two this whole time?" the Lord Millennium asked.

"The Black Order," answered Road. "Where else?"

"It just took you two an awful long time to come back," the Earl said as he came closer. "And what's with all the makeup?"

"Don't ask," Tyki said with a grimace. "We are never going back there AGAIN."

"But what about all the makeup?" Jasdero asked.

"Yeah, what about the makeup?" Devitto agreed.

"We just said DON'T ask," Road growled with a devilish glare sent in their direction.

"But we want a makeover, too!" Jasdevit whined in unison.

"No, you don't. Unless you want to be driven insane!" Road shrieked before running off to her room, leaving Lero in the company of her family.

While Tyki and Road went to try and get the ridiculous makeup off their faces, Lero recounted the entire story (that he knew) to the Noah family. Let's just say, it was a very, very, long time before the secretive giggles and annoying taunts stopped plaguing the Noahs of Dreams and Pleasure referring to that one incident at the Black Order…


End file.
